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VILLAGE BELLES 

and 

WEDDING BELLS 

A MOCK MARRIAGE, 




By G. R. 'PETTIGREW. 

iC Opy righted) 



Published by 

THE HERALD, DILLON, S. C 



VILLAGE BELLES 

and 

WEDDING BELLS 

A MOCK MARRIAGE. 




Coj>yright hy the Author 

G. R. PETTICREW 

(All Rights Reserved.) 



PUBLISHED BY THE HERALD, 

DILLON, S. C, 



Copyrighted 1914 







/ 



Q)C!.D 37665 



JUN24 19(4 



^ f 



Village Belles And WedJing Bells. 1 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

(The number of attendants may be reduc- 
ed at will.) 

Bride Miss Carrie May Catchem 

Groom Mr. Thomas Avery Eazimark 

Bride's Stepfather and Mother — Mr. and Mrs. 

Meriwether Matchmaker. 
Groom's Parents — Mr. and Mrs. Constantine 

Cupid Eazimark. 

Best Man Mr. Leander Limberlegs 

Maid of Honor — Miss Sophronia Snubnose 
Dame of Honor — Mrs. Lucretia Nimbletung 
Flower Girls — Rachel Ragtime, Dolly Dimple 
Ushers — Messrs. Zachariah Swallowtail and 

Turner Summerset. 

Organist Miss Flossie Fingerflinger 

Singer Miss Ima Nightingale 

Officiating Clergyman — Holdfast Hardshell, 

C. O. D. 

ATTENDANTS 

Miss Susannah Speckletoes, with Mr. Solo- 
mon Sluefoot. 

Miss Rhoda Rattlebrain, with Mr. Jonathan 
Muttonhead. 

Miss Cordelia Carbuncle, with Mr. Hezekiah 



2 VILLAGE BELLES AND 

Heartsease. 
Miss Selina Slabsides, with Mr. Simon Slim- 
shanks. 
Miss Tabitha Tattletale, with Mr. Timotiiy 

Tightwad. 
Miss Deborah Dubblechin, with Mr. Nathan 

Crabtree. 
Miss Lydia Lockjaw, with Mr. Hyram Hard- 
tack. 
Miss Luella Ladybug, with Mr. Amos Skee- 

ter. 
Miss Dorinda Dowdie, with Mr. Shadrach 

Shamble. 
Miss Samantha Sourcrout, with Mr. Abe 

Cornstalk. 
Miss Jerusha Mai Jawback, with Mr. Ezra 

Squedunk. 
Miss Castoria Curlpapers, with Mr. Gabe 

Corkscrew\ 
A young Lawyer, a Magistrate, a Jeweler. 

(It is suggested that all of the parts be ta- 
ken by men and boys as dresses are easily pro- 
cured from wives and sisters at no expense 
If there be a local paper, publish the entire 
cast with the real names accompanying in pa- 



WEDDING BELLS 



rcnthesis. The subjoined invitation adapted 
to local conditions may be published in paper 
or on handbills and so circulated.) 

Mr. and Mrs. Meriwether Matchmaker 

request the honor of your presents at the marriage 

of their daughter 

Carrie May Catchem 

to 

Mr. Thomas Avery Eazimark 

on Wednesday evening, June ihe fifth, at eight 

o'clock, at the Auditorium, Washington, 

District of Columbia. 

CEREMONY. 
(Enter Ima Nightingale, preceded by Flos- 
sie Fingerflinger who plays as former sings. 
Wedding march follows as bridal party filef 

in.) 

Clergyman (addressing audience with much 
dignity and solemnity) : 

We are gathered together upon this suspi- 
cious and fateful occasion, beloved brethren, 
to seal and solemnize the consummation of a 
life purpose. When in the course of human 
events a woman discovers a mere man and 
highly resolves to form a perfect union for 



4 VILLAGE BELLES AND 

the common defence, if he would hearken to 
the voice of experience let him make terms at 
once and call in a cut-rate splicer for the thing 
is as good as settled. His solitary pilgrimage 
is ended. This is especially true if the lady 
be a resolute female, such as our sister here 
(indicating bride). I have known her from 
my boyhood when she taught me in the pri- 
mary school. Even then she displayed the 
persevering persistency and pertinacious per- 
tinacity that have made her life notable in 
this community. I recall that she was play- 
fully nicknamed ''Melancholy" because when 
she discovered an unattached male she "mark- 
ed him for her own." Her motto seemed to 
be: 

Let us then be up and doing 
With a heart for any mate, 

Still persuading, still pursuing, 
Learn to make 'em take the bait! 
And though she entered no profession she 
has followed many pursuits. Carrie early 
mastered the scriptural truth that it is not 
well for man to live alone and she has devoted 
her life to the strenuous furtherance of this 



WEDDING BELLS 



great principle; and it must be admitted that 
the men she has met speedily decided that it 
was not well or even safe to live alone, but 
they invariably and unanimously calculated 
that it might still be well for our good sister 
to live alone. But hope sprang eternal in Car- 
rie's palpitating bosom. She has sailed Life's 
solemn main in search of a forlorn and ship- 
wrecked bachelor whom she might pilot into 
the Port of Matrimony, and many a bachelor 
has reached the coveted haven under her pi- 
lotage, but they always sailed in with another 
mate. Baffled by man and buffeted by fate, 
she has still pressed forward in the unequal 
conflict though the struggle never amounted 
to an engagement until she encountered our 
young brother here (indicating bridegroom) 
whom she now brings as a trophy of her tri- 
umph — the captive of her bow and spear, 
smokeless powder, and other weapons of her 
warfare too numerous to mention. And now 
we are to unite these two hearts which have 
throbbed in unison ever since Miss Finger- 
f linger flung off the stirring strains of the 
wedding march. 



6 VILLAGE BELLES AND 

I cannot conclude this last sad rite without 
a word of solemn warning to the young and 
the simple. ''Eternal vigilance is the price of 
liberty," so have courage my boy to say "No." 

And now, if there is any one here or else- 
where who has any objection to offer to this 
marriage, let him speak or forever after hold 
his tongue. 

Meriwether Matchmaker rises to his 
feet.) 

Clergyman: Well, sir? 

Meriwether Matchmaker: I have no ob- 
jection. 

Clergyman: We are not concerned with 
the objections you haven't got, but with those 
which you have got. 

(Young lawyer rises.) 

Clergyman (addressing him: Who are 
you? 

Young lawyer: I am (gives name of lo- 
cal attorney, if any; if none, uses that sug- 
gested here) Blackstone Hair splitter, attor- 
ney at law, practicing in both State and Fed- 
eral Courts. 

Clergyman: Also magistrates' courts and 



1 



WEDDING BELLS 



tennis courts, I presume? 

Young Lawyer: You do presume, sir, in 
attempting to have this prisoner incriminate 
himself without the benefit of counsel (indi- 
cating groom and pausing sHghtly). It's 
against the constitution. 

Clergyman: It may be against his consti- 
tution, but he will have daily counsel frou] 
now on. 

Young Lawyer: Fll make an appeal. 

Clergyman: So will our brother here (in- 
dicating groom) daily and Sunday also, but 
you'll both be overruled. 

(Jeweler rises as law^yer sits down.) 

Clergyman: Who are you and what is 
your objection? 

Jeweler: I am Handy Skinner (or name 
of local jeweler) and I object to this marriage 
because it will ruin my business. Carrie has 
been my best asset for thirty years past and I 
simply can't afford the loss. 

Clergyman: It can hardly be maintained 
that this marriage is in restraint of trade, as 
trade and liberty are different things, so your 
objection is not well taken. 



8 VILLAGE BELLES AND 

(Magistrate takes the floor as jeweler 
yields it.) 

Clergyman: Well, you seem to be next, 
sir, whoever you are. 

Magistrate: I am Jay Fuller Law (or 
name of local justice or magistrate), magis- 
trate (or trial justice) under the statues of 
the commonwealth of (names appropriate 
state). 

Clergyman: And what is your objection.^ 

Magistrate: I object because Fm not per- 
forming the obsequies myself. 

Clergyman (addressing the groom) : 
Thomas, did you procure a license? 

Groom (nervously) : She did (indicating 
bride). 

Clergyman: Then everything is regular. 

Magistrate: If you proceed with the per- 
formance Fll rule you for contempt of court! 

Clergyman: But court is not now in ses- 
sion, sir. 

Magistrate: Fll have you to know, sir, 
that this court is always an object of con- 
tempt! (Sits down, frowning fiercely). 

Clergyman: These objections all being 



WEDDING BELLS 



null and void, and clearly illegal, the ceremony 
will proceed. (Then addresses groom sol- 
emnly and deliberately) : 
Do you nozu take this winning maid to be your 

lazvful wife. 
To honor and obey her and never stir up 

strife? 
Will you respect her every whim and never 

cross her wishes, 
Scrub the floors, do the chores and bathe the 

dinner dishes f 

Will you? 
Groom: I will. 
Clergyman : 
Will you supply her every need and give her 

all the money. 
Call her your dearest Dovey-dove, likezvise 

your 'Ittle Honey f 
Will you support her Ma and Pa according to 

their stations, — 
Aunt Samantha, Uncle Jake and all the 

poor relations? 

Will you? 
Groom: I will. 
Clergyman : 



10 VILLAGE BELLES AND 

Will you reciprocate in kind her zvarm and 

tender passion, — 
Renew each year her teeth and hair accord- 
ing to the fashion? 
Buy her a motor car to match her stockings 

and her dresses. 
And vow to her each day you live that she 
your heart possesses? 
Thomas, wilt thou? 
Groom: I — zvilt! (totters and bride sup- 
ports him until he recovers). 

Clergyman (addressing bride after confus- 
ion is over) : 
Do you accept this shrinking hoy as your one 

chance at marriage, 
To pour his tea zvith queenly grace and love 

his motor carriage? 
Do you now plight your solemn pledge to nur- 
ture and endear him 
To your maternal heart of hearts and pa- 
tiently to rear him? 
Do you? 
Bride: I do. 
Clerg}Tnan : 
V/ill vou instruct him hoiv to cook and use 



WEDDING BELLS 11 



the kettle-scraper, 
While you play Rook for Huylers or a box 

of writing paper? 
Will you be kind and true and never force the 

boy to wheedle, 
Bui zvhen his socks need darning zvill you 
help him thread the needle? 
Will you? 
Bride: I will. 
Clergyman: 
Will you allozv him to retain a work box for 

his stitches, 
Whenever he is called upon perchance to 

patch his breeches? 
JVill you allozv him fifty cents each month for 

his expenses, 
And zvhen he calls for more zvill you recall 
him to his senses? 
Carrie, mnll you? 
Bride: Of course I will. We agreed on all 
that before we came here ! 

Clergyman (addressing audience): It ap- 
pears that this brother and sister desire to try 
double harness. What is your will, brethren? 
Meriwether Matchmaker: I move that 



12 VILLAGE BELLES AND 
WEDDING BELLS 

they be united in the fetters and shackles of 
matrimony. 

Best Man: I second the motion. 

Clergyman: All in favor of this promotion 
will signify it by saying "!.'' 

Bridal party and relatives (in chorus) ''1." 

Clergyman: All opposed will say "No.'* 

Lawyer, Jeweler and Magistrate: "No." 

Clergyman (with meaning emphasis) : The 
affirmative unanimously prevails and it is so 
ordered. Thomas (to groom), have you en- 
tirely recovered your strength? 

Groom: I think I have, sir. 

Clergyman: Then salute your bride! 

(Groom salutes bride with resounding 
smack. ) 

Clergyman (to audience: Ah! I see he is 
as strong as ever; (then to couple): I now 
pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Avery 
Eazimark. That which has been so solemnly 
ratified, let no man seek to annul. 

(Bridal party files out to the strains of 
wedding march.) 



